Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one consider that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.