Henry Louis Mencken

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe.

The most valuable of all human possessions, next to a superior and disdainful air, is the reputation of being well-to-do.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.

The truth is that the average schoolmaster, on all the lower levels, is and always must be essentially and next door to an idiot, for how can one imagine an intelligent man engaging in so puerile an avocation?